Being a positive role model requires effort, fore-thought, and self-control for most parents. Because your children are watching you all the time, your actions, beliefs, and attitudes become integrated into your children’s way of being; therefore, it is very important that you be very intentional about what behaviors you model for your children.
Being aware of this huge responsibility can encourage you to better yourself: for example, if you do not want your child to smoke, then one of the most effective ways you can communicate that is to quit smoking yourself or not start in the first place.
Walk the Talk
Unfortunately for parents, the saying “Do as I say, not as I do” simply does not work. Children can sniff out hypocrisy like a blood hound, and they gain the most from parents who demonstrate consistency between their actions and their values by “walking the talk.”
If you don’t want your children to lie to get out of going to school by feigning illness, then you best not lie about taking a “sick” day from work.
If you don’t want your children to spend excessive time on technology devices, you have to limit your use of the same devices.
Kids respect adults who live by the rules they preach. Hypocrisy disillusions children and sends them looking for alternative role models to follow.
Review your Own Behavior and Attitudes
Model through your own actions. For example, consider how you:
handle stress and frustration
respond to problems
express anger and other emotions
treat other people
deal with competition, responsibilities, loss, mistakes
celebrate special occasions
take care of yourself (what you eat, how much you exercise, balance your commitments)
Model through your Words
Your children are not only watching you carefully for clues about how to be; they are also listening to you. The way you speak, what you speak about, and the opinions you express will influence their values.
Consider how you speak to them, your spouse, your friends and neighbors, the check-out person at the grocery store.
Do you model respect of others through your words and tone of voice?
Do your words indicate respect for differences and tolerance toward all people or do they subtly support lack of acceptance for others different from yourself?
Do you “bully” your children with harsh words and threats when they misbehave, or do you respond with discipline based on respect for your children’s humanity?
Ask yourself what kind of people you want your children to become, and then consider what you can do to model the behaviors and attitudes that would reflect that kind of person. This is another way of saying that it is helpful for you to examine your own values. For example, do you want your children to:
develop a strong work ethic?
have a generosity of spirit?
have courage?
stand up for their beliefs?
be kind and considerate?
be patient?
be diligent and persistent?
be assertive?
be a contributing member of society?
take good care of their bodies?
be open to new learning?
If you wish for these traits in your children, then do these things yourself!
Build Strong Relationships with your Children
You will be a larger influence in your children’s lives if you have a warm and nurturing relationship with them, and your children are more likely to emulate you if they feel close to you and supported by you.
Give them unconditional love in a safe environment that also provides consistent, firm, and flexible discipline so they know what is expected of them.
Listen to them without judgment when they are upset. Share your own feelings with them so they get to know you; share some of your choices and decision-making as examples to guide them.
Find ways to have fun with them, to share interests, to enjoy one another’s company (preparing a meal, discussing a TV show, playing sports together, etc.).
Build a connection with them based on trust so they know they can count on you when they need you, and so that they learn to be trustworthy in return.
Be Forgiving of Mistakes
Nobody is perfect – neither you nor your children. That means that mistakes will be made. What is most important when mistakes are made is the way you handle the situation.
When you or your children or someone else makes an error:
are you unforgiving or accepting?
do you deal calmly with the situation to resolve it or do you berate the perpetrator?
do you get angry and look for someone to blame or do you assess what has gone wrong and consider what can be learned to avoid a repetition?
If you make a mistake by doing something that you later regret, you can use that as an opportunity to show your children how to handle errors in judgment by
Acknowledging the misstep.
accepting responsibility for your part in it.
apologizing to any hurt parties.
finding ways to make amends.
thinking about what you can do next time so you don’t repeat the error.
The 7 steps listed in this article are all part of a healthier way of interacting with your children and an instruction manual of sorts for how to lead your children by your example. You can find many more helpful tips and ideas throughout this website and we encourage you to research, take notes and apply the lessons learned in your own life.
You’re taking steps to ensure you’ll have the relationship with your children you really want and that they really need – and that’s a journey many people never begin. Be proud of yourself. Congratulations, and good luck.