Last year, U.S. homeowners spent apprmx $150 billion dollars refurbishing, renovating and rebuilding their houses. What this says to me is a) some people like their homes and want to make them even better, and b) some people don’t like their homes but they don’t have the time or money necessary to move– so they figure they’ll make the best of what they have.
The same could be said of our lives. Many of us are happy with our life, and want to keep working to improve it, while others of us are dissatisfied with big chunks of our life (our work, or our relationships, or our health) and would like to make some major changes.
On the surface, change seems easier with a house, – you can evaluate what’s needed and what’s possible somewhat dispassionately (e.g., “If we do a cosmetic upgrade on the kitchen, it will cost X thousand dollars, and we’ll have to eat out or use a hot plate for a month”). When it comes to our lives, though, many tend to get tangled up in the fact that it’s themselves they’re talking about…it feels like trying to do DIY surgery..
SO, HERE ARE SEVEN THINGS YOU CAN DO TO MAKE IT EASIER TO CREATE THE LIFE YOU MOST WANT TO HAVE:
1.Step back and assess: Start by imagining that you’re someone else observing your life. And imagine that this someone else cares about and wants you to be happy, but also sees you clearly and is willing to be drop-dead honest. What would he or she say is working in your life, and what would he or she say is not working – is a mess, a hassle, or is clearly making you unhappy?
Often, just doing this mental exercise – of observing and assessing your own life as a third party – allows you to see problems you’ve been trying to avoid, or shows you things you’ve been putting up with that you shouldn’t.
2.Pick the most F.I.T.: For some people, rather than ignoring or not being aware of the aspects of their life they’d like to improve, they see way too many things to change and the task of change becomes overwhelming for them. If that’s the case for you, you might want to use an approach called “F.I.T.”: Feasibility, Impact, and Timeliness. Here’s how: look at those things you’d like to change, and decide which is the most feasible (you actually can change it – it’s in your control, and you have the needed resources), most impactful (will have the greatest positive effect on your life with the least amount of energy expended) and most timely (you can do it now, and doing it will create a foundation for further change). If you pick the one change that’s the most feasible, impactful and timely of all the possible changes you could make, it’s most likely to be successful. Which will both move your life in a positive direction and reinforce your faith in your own ability to make other changes.
3. Be honest with yourself. At this point, once you’ve decided a change you want to make, whether personal or professional, stop and ask yourself, “Knowing me, am I really going to do this?” If the answer is ‘yes,’ great – keep going. If your honest answer back to yourself is ‘no,’ then ask yourself “Why – what will stop me?” Let that rattle around in your head for awhile, and don’t bother beating yourself up for your ‘no’ – just get curious about where it’s coming from. If, after reflection, you find it’s because you don’t think you’re capable of changing – you might want to make some effort to change your self-talk. If, on the other hand, you find you don’t really want to make the change – at least not enough to make the effort required – you can look to see if there’s another FIT change that you’re more motivated to make.
5. Get support. We’re tribal creatures: it’s more difficult for most of us to go through important shifts on our own. Once you’ve decided to make a change, think about a person or persons who will be a true positive force in this transition: who can help you through the tough spots; who believes in your ability to create a better reality for yourself; who you can count on to offer time and attention when you most need it. Someone, in other words, who loves you and wants the best for you. It’s a bonus if that person can go through the change with you (losing post-holiday weight with a friend or spouse is remarkably easier), or has already been through a similar change him or herself (your friend who left her job last year and has landed a new, better one will not only be supportive, but can offer practical guidance, as well).
6. Parallel process. Sometimes we talk ourselves out of making important positive changes in our lives by telling ourselves that we just don’t have the time to do it. Parallel processing originally meant creating computers that could do two sets of calculations – two work streams – simultaneously. In our lives, we parallel process every day: there’s the job work stream, the family work stream, the personal time work stream, the hanging with friends work stream, etc. In order to make a change you have to take some of your bandwidth from one of the existing work streams and put it into the “making-a-change-work-“stream. So for instance, if you’re serious about building up your relationship with your son, for example, you’re probably going to have to take some time from your non-family work streams in order to make that happen. Think about it this way: it’s a short-term sacrifice for a long-term gain.
7. Celebrate every change. Making real change in your life is tough: it takes time, energy, and commitment. It’s easy to get frustrated along the way, to see all the things that aren’t moving in the right direction, rather than the things that are. Get in the habit of acknowledging and rewarding yourself for every step in the right direction. Lost 10 pounds? Get a great massage. Resolved a tough issue with your spouse? Treat yourselves to a special dinner. Your first job interview went really well? Play hooky for a bit afterwards and take a victory lap around the park.
You’re taking steps to ensure you’ll have the life you really want to lead – and that’s a journey many people never begin. Be proud of yourself. Congratulations, and good luck.